----------------------------------------------------------- ETS Survival News Equipped To Survive Issue 1, Volume 1 March 32, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------- *********************************************************** ETS Survival News is an irregularly published compendium of news related to survival, survival gear and search and rescue. Published with support from the Equipped To Survive Foundation. Please visit us at: http://www.equipped.org *********************************************************** EQUIPPED TO SURVIVE AWARDED COAST GUARD GRANT Douglas Ritter, Chairman and Executive Director of the non- profit Equipped To Survive Foundation, announced today the receipt of a five-year U.S. Coast Guard Boating Safety Grant of $10,000,000. Ritter expressed his appreciation to the Coast Guard for the award, saying "after years of trying to get one of these Boating Safety grants, I'm glad we finally 'broke the code' and came up with a project that caught their eye." The project, dubbed "BBOD" (pronounced BeeBod) for "Boaters Better Off Dead," is designed to encourage the clean up of the defective gene pool among boaters. Ritter commented that "we decided that instead of trying to change the really stupid behavior of the really dumb boaters, an effort that has absorbed billions of dollars to no avail, it would be more financially prudent in these difficult economic times to encourage them to do the incredibly stupid stuff they eventually do sooner or later, thereby eliminating them from the boating community as efficiently as possible." While boating fatalities are expected to peak for a period after implementation of the program, after a short period of time they are expected to decline rapidly to levels only dreamed of by boating safety advocates. Asked to give examples of what sorts of behavior the project would encourage, Ritter listed a few possibilities, including encouragement not to wear a PFD when sailing single-handed offshore and a suggestion to save money by purchasing a kiddie pool instead of a real life raft. Coast Guard spokesperson Don T. Car said, we figure we are really better off removing anyone dumb enough to listen to such advice from the boating community as quickly as possible. The Coast Guard is estimating that their ten million dollar investment will return savings over the next decade on the order of 200 million dollars by the reduction in needless search and rescue operations. Admiral Thomas H. Collins, Commandant of the Coast Guard, was present at the announcement and was heard to mumble under his breath, "Darwin will finally prevail." ULTRALIGHT SURVIVAL RATION WEIGHS IN The Mainday Survival Ration Company has developed an ultralight survival ration that has been U.S. Coast Guard approved. Weighing in at less than half the weight of traditional survival rations, all that is required is for the life raft survivor to first drink a quart of water per ration to reconstitute it in their stomach. The company notes in its sale literature that the weight savings is a major advantage for aviation use where weight and volume are of paramount importance. Don Mainday, company president, did note that while not thirst provoking, in accordance with Coast Guard and SOLAS requirements, they are still working on developing a reduced volume and weight water ration to accompany it as some testers have almost died when they didn't quite get enough water and it sucked the water out of their system, leaving them severely dehydrated in a matter of minutes. Commander D. M. Bulb of the Coast Guard, when asked if this didn't present a problem, said "it meets the nutritional and other requirements, why shouldn't we have approved it? OSHA DULLS SURVIVAL EDGES OSHA (U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration) has released a new safety rule for folding knives used in survival kits. Responding to concerns expressed by Doug Ritter, editor of Equipped To Survive, about the safety failings of non-locking folding knives, OSHA has decreed that any such knife in a survival kit must have its blade dulled to the point that it will not easily slice through butter. Said Won Dim Wit, OSHA spokesperson, "it is imperative that we protect a survivor from the perils of his dangerous equipment, regardless of any other issues that might result. Our job is ensuring safety, survival is someone else's job." AN OBJECT LESSON IN SURVIVAL In Florida, a survival instructor at the Weecant Survival School was rushed to the hospital after his demonstration on survival fishing went awry. Demonstrating the art of "tickling fish," involving the grasping by hand of fish lurking under the bank of a river, the instructor, whose name has not been released, discovered that the fish he was stalking was actually a young alligator when it bit off his index finger. Attempts by students to capture the alligator and retrieve the finger were not successful. Said one student, Don Q. Geddit, "I think we all learned a good lesson today, he was a heck of a teacher to go that far to make the point." HOMELAND SECURITY'S NEW KISS ASS WEB SITE Tom (What Constitution?) Ridge, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, introduced the administration's latest homeland security Web site, KYAG.GOV, which stands for KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE. "We have been severely criticized by many for the silly, pollyannaish presentation in our earlier READY.GOV Web site," said Ridge to assembled reporters. The latest KYAG.GOV site presents a somewhat more fatalistic point of view. "Let's face it," said Ridge, "odds are if a terrorist detonates a nuclear bomb or disperses nerve gas and you're close enough to experience the results, you're dead. Why waste time or money on survival gear you'll never be able to use." He went on to comment, "better to spend the money partying until the end comes, thereby propping up the struggling economy." The only page on the new site is the home page with a large pair of red lips planted on a fat ass, the Kiss Your Ass Goodbye logo. In an effort to save the government money, the site is sponsored by the Kiss Your Ass Goodbye Hot Sauce Company. A BUSST IS BETTER THAN A SPLAT Switluck Parachute Company, who do not make parachutes anymore, has introduced the prototype of their new Bouncing Urban Survival Suit Technology (BUSST). Rick Switluck, President, noted "we may not make them anymore, but I know parachutes and the escape parachutes being currently marketed to those working in high-rise building are of questionable practicality." With 9/11 still fresh in high- rise workers' minds, Switluck looked at the problem with a fresh perspective. Switluck is best known these days for their inflatable life vests and life rafts, but they also make specialized flight suits for military pilots. Combining their expertise, the BUSST starts with a flameproof Nomex flightsuit fitted with an inflatable protective cocoon. Made of bright yellow polyurethane coated nylon, the wearer pulls the inflation handle on the suit as they jump out the window and in less than three seconds the ball inflates to its 15-foot diameter while a small stabilizing drogue is deployed to keep the wearer more or less upright. The inflated ball protects the wearer from impacts with the sides of the building, other buildings and other jumpers, slows down the terminal velocity and cushions ground impact. An integrated whistle emits a loud siren courtesy of the rushing air to warn those below to get out of the way. The BUSST is designed to work from as high as 90 stories, accommodating the highest skyscrapers in existence. Switluck is currently searching for volunteers to test the BUSST. No price has been set, but when the alternative is "splat," what's your life worth? ALTOIDS TO OFFER SURVIVAL KIT Teaming up with Doug Ritter, Editor of Equipped To Survive , Callard & Bowser-Suchard, Inc., a unit of the Kraft Foods Company who manufacture Altoids mints, have announced they are introducing the "Altoids/Equipped To Survive Curiously Strong Survival Kit." Altoids mint tins have long been recycled into cases for personal survival kits by survivalists all over the world. With the recent emphasis on survival caused by the events of 9/11, the company saw an opportunity to expand beyond their confectionary line. Ritter noted, "I was a bit taken back when first approached, but this is an incredible opportunity to take advantage of Altoids' popularity and the company's distribution and buying power to offer the public an affordable survival kit." The kit comes with the most critical survival gear, including, to name but a few of the items, a signal mirror comprised of the polished interior lid of the tin, a whistle, fire starting gear and survival rations in the form of a dozen Altoids mints. Buyers will even be able to select among kits based on the flavor of the Altoids mint included. Said an Altoids spokesperson, "we felt that it was critical for the survivor's morale that they be able to have the flavor they enjoy most, just in case it ends up being their last meal." Retail price is expected to be in the $2.50 range. ___________________________________________________ ETS Survival News is copyrighted and may not be reproduced without permission. Permission is granted to share this newsletter in its entirety with friends and associates via email or it can be found on the Web at ETS Survival News is published irregularly when we damn well feel like it, most often on March 32nd. We welcome submittal of news items, but reserve the right to disregard most anything we don't feel like publishing. Letters to the editor are generally ignored unless they are complimentary. Today's issue was written and edited by Doug Ritter, just so you know whom to blame. We hope you have enjoyed this attempt at some April Fools humor. If we have inadvertently offended anyone, well, you really need to get a life. "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." - Mark Twain _______________________________________ Copyright (c) 2003 Equipped To Survive Foundation All rights reserved. - www.equipped.org