----------------------------------------------------------- ETS Survival News Equipped To Survive Issue 1, Volume 2 March 32, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------- *********************************************************** ETS Survival News is an irregularly published compendium of news related to survival, survival gear and search and rescue. Published with support from the Equipped To Survive Foundation. Please visit us at: http://www.equipped.org *********************************************************** EQUIPPED TO SURVIVE TO PRODUCE SURVIVAL TV SERIES Doug Ritter, editor of Equipped To Survive, announced Monday a 5 million dollar deal to develop and produce a reality-based survival show for ESPN Sports. The new survival series, tentatively dubbed "Are You Equipped To Survive?," will feature individuals with minimal survival skills placed in extraordinary survival circumstances. Survivors will win up to 10 million dollars, with their actual winnings to be determined by how long they last before giving up and by points awarded by a judging team of real-life survivors headed by Steven Callahan, an Equipped To Survive Foundation board member, who survived 76 days adrift in a life raft. Said Ritter, "this will be about real survival, not that BS that Mark Burnett's absurd Survivor series foists on the ignorant masses. I've been working on this concept since those imbecilic shows first started airing and we have finally found a solid partner with the financial wherewithal in ESPN Sports." ESPN Sports spokesperson Don B. Levitt noted, "this will be a series that pits a person against nature in a one-on-one battle for survival. There's nothing more thrilling in sports than when life is on the line." Each contestant will be provided an Adventure Medical Kits Pocket Survival Pak designed by Doug Ritter and will be allowed to select 2 additional pieces of survival equipment or supplies from a variety of offerings, some good, some not so good. Their battle to survive starts with their gear selection. They will then be blindfolded and taken to a remote and inhospitable environment where they will be left on their own to survive. Cameras will follow as the survivor attempts to master their environment. Without the artifice of teams and the like, there will not be any voting of participants off the island. A contestant who doesn't cut it will either live to quit, or die trying to survive. In the latter case, the survivor's next of kin will receive their winnings up to the point that they expired. Ritter explained, "the fact that some participants will no doubt die during the series is expected to capture the audience's imagination, there's more than just egos at risk and we're not planning on saving them from their own mistakes. If they screw up bad enough, they lose--big time- -just like in a real life survival situation." Production is expected to start in summer of 2004 with the first series to air early in 2005. SURVIVAL RATION TAKES NEW APPROACH TO SATISFY HUNGER Maintain Survival has introduced a radical new survival ration that aims to solve one of the difficulties with existing rations. Yew R. Kitting, president of the company, said, "the trouble with conventional survival rations is that while they feed the body enough to keep it alive, survivors are still ravenously hungry and that takes a mental toll that can be deadly, especially with larger parties. Cannibalism is frowned on in today's society." The new "FULL Of It" survival ration includes an FDA approved herbal appetite suppressant that the company claims will eliminate hunger pangs and pains. Kitting explained that the idea came to him after weeks of listening to his wife complain about the starvation diet she was on that restricted caloric intake. Her doctor put her on an appetite suppressant and she quit bitching. The survival related possibilities were immediately obvious. With the new FULL Of It ration, you get the minimum survival ration of food and you don't miss not having any more, contributing to a positive mental attitude, a vital survival tool. The company has applied for a Full Of It patent. The company also expects to break into the diet food business with the new product. Said Kitting, "we dress it up with fancy packaging, triple the price and it should be a great success. After all, it tastes like sweet cardboard, far better than most diet foods." COAST GUARD PROPOSES CHARGING DUMMIES FOR RESCUES Strapped for cash in these difficult times and spending most of its funding on Homeland Security, the U.S. Coast Guard has issued a proposed regulation that would allow it to charge some boaters for the cost of their rescue. Said Coast Guard spokesperson Captain Knot Riley, "the instances of boaters putting themselves into survival situations due to their own stupidity is increasing at an alarming rate. We're not sure how some of these people manage to get from the dock to their deck without killing themselves. We have tried education and that doesn't seem to work. We're hoping that the threat of thousands of dollars of penalties will encourage these mariners to take some simple precautions that would prevent the sorts of harrowing misadventures we are seeing too often these days." Captain Riley quoted some typical hourly costs for Coast Guard assets sent out on a search and rescue mission: C-130 Herclues at $13,000; HH-60 Seahawk helicopter at $9,500; HH-65 Jayhawk $6,500, a large cutter $3000 and a small boat $300. These costs do not include any crew costs or capital costs for the equipment, juss the hourly operating costs for the equipment itself. With a typical SAR mission running approximately 3 hours of helo time, a bill for $20,000 to $30,000 would be fairly typical. Captain Riley was quick to note that these charges would assessed only for rescue of the most stupid boaters, those of whom, as he put it, "society would be better off if we just left them to die, except they almost always imperil the lives of innocents who don't deserve to suffer such a fate." Cutters, small boats and helicopters will be fitted with credit card terminals to charge rescued idiots immediately. Boating insurance companies we contacted were salivating at the prospect of selling "Rescue For Dummies" insurance. EQUIPPED TO SURVIVE & ALTOIDS INTRODUCE TSA SURVIVAL KIT Equipped To Survive announced the introduction of the latest addition to the "Altoids/Equipped To Survive Curiously Strong Survival Kit" line of Altoids tin based pocket survival kits that was introduced a year ago. (see ) This new "Altoids/Equipped To Survive Curiously Strong TSA Survival Kit" is designed to assist airline passengers who are forever dealing with the incompetence of the Transportation Security Administration and the imbecilic rules the agency perpetuates in the government's continuing effort to trick the public into believing they are actually providing airline security. Doug Ritter, founder of ETS, noted, "we have had so many requests for a solution to the TSA issue that we felt compelled to come up with something, anything, that would help hapless travelers survive." The TSA Survival Kit has no sharp objects to raise any issues when passing through the x-ray examination. In fact, it is designed to look exactly like a normal tin box of world famous Altoids mints. Opening the tin reveals what looks to be a box of traditional round Altoids mints, except that the bright blue mints are imprinted with a large letter "V" and are individually sealed in single unit dispenser packaging. Each Altoids mint contains 10 mg of diazepam, more commonly known as Valium, a trademark of Roche. Upon reaching your personal TSA survival limit, prior to reaching out and strangling the twit in uniform, pop one of the special Altoids mints into your mouth and the calmative effect will start almost immediately. The specially formulated extra powerful Altoids "Blue Ice" mint itself will help to shock you back to your senses long enough for the Valium to take effect. A doctor's prescription is required. Do not consume alcohol in combination with these Altoids mints. The new survival kit may also come in handy if you are unlucky enough to be seated in the same plane as a screaming baby and there is no practical way to stuff a pillow down the baby's throat. Either take one of these special Altoid mints yourself or ask a flight attendant to slip it into the baby's formula. ARON RALSTON ENDORSES LATEST LEATHERMON TOOL Leathermon Tool Company has introduced the Pocket Surgical Tool, endorsed by internationally renowned self-amputee Aron Ralston. The new pocket survival tool includes a one- hand opening surgical scalpel, one-hand usable Kevlar tourniquet, a foldout vial of povidone-iodine surgical prep and a secret compartment to store prescription strength painkillers (must be purchased separately). It all folds up into a pocket-sized package that can also be carried in the included belt pouch. Ralston will be demonstrating the new tool at outdoor events and conferences, using a simulated boulder and specially designed prosthetic that simulates his missing limb and which can be cleaned up and re-attached after every performance, unlike the real one. Said Ralston, "viewers will see just how much easier it is to self- amputate with the proper tools." The painkillers ensure the user doesn't have to have quite the guts Ralston had when he did his own. Leathermon, based in Jamaica, anticipates that the market will be limited, most outdoors sports enthusiasts have learned from Ralston's example and don't go off alone and especially don't go off without leaving a note. Company president Tom Leathermon explained that to stimulate sales, "we're including a special CD with every Pocket Surgical Tool featuring the reggae band No Problem singing an evolutionary version of the Bob Marley classic, 'One Love, One Heart, One Hand'" _______________________________________ ETS Survival News is copyrighted and may not be reproduced without permission. Permission is granted to share this newsletter in its entirety with friends and associates via email or it can be found on the Web at . ETS Survival News is published irregularly when we damn well feel like it, most often on March 32nd. We welcome submittal of news items, but reserve the right to disregard most anything we don't feel like publishing. Letters to the editor are generally ignored unless they are complimentary. Today's issue was written and edited by Doug Ritter, just so you know whom to blame. We hope you have enjoyed this attempt at some April Fools humor. If we have inadvertently offended anyone, well, you really need to get a life. "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." - Mark Twain _______________________________________ Copyright (c) 2004 Equipped To Survive Foundation All rights reserved - www.equipped.org