----------------------------------------------------------- ETS Survival News Equipped To Survive Issue 1, Volume 5 March 32, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------- *********************************************************** ETS Survival News is an irregularly published compendium of news related to survival, survival gear and search and rescue. Published with support from the Equipped To Survive Foundation. Please visit us at: http://www.equipped.org *********************************************************** EQUIPPED TO HELP NATIONAL PARKS SAVE UNEQUIPPED Reacting to recent tragedies, Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne and National Park Service Director Mary A. Bomar announced at a press conference in Washington, D.C., the launch of SAVE which stands for Save All Visitors Exigency. Secretary Kempthorne explained that "this new crash program is designed to prevent the tragic loss of life in our National Parks because so many who enter the parks ill- prepared for the common emergencies that occur." Director Bomar was a bit more blunt, "we are tired of wasting precious resources on the idiots who can't be bothered to be prepared or who simply don't know. The number of lost persons we are having to rescue, and the tragic recovery of bodies of visitors who for one reason or another cannot be rescued in a timely fashion, has simply gotten beyond control." SAVE will establish minimum equipment standards for all National Park visitors who step off pavement in any of the Park Service 390 units including National Parks, National Monuments, National Recreation Areas and the like. Standards will vary depending upon how far away from the pavement they go and the terrain and environment. Director Bomar gave the example of a someone who was on a day hike on an established trail within a few miles of the trailhead who would be required to carry a basic pocket survival kit including signaling equipment like a signal mirror and a whistle and compared that to someone who is hiking deeper into the wilderness and will be required to carry a Personal Locator Beacon and a more advanced survival kit including advanced shelter options. Secretary Kempthorne said the program was "designed to head off Congressional action" that as he put it, "would be a far bigger pain in everyone's butt than a well reasoned program such as SAVE." Park concessionaires are expected to make survival equipment available to rent, so those who arrive unprepared will not be prevented from enjoying the parks. Director Bowman estimated that rentals would "only add twenty or thirty dollars to the cost of visiting a national park, a reasonable cost for enjoying the outdoors." SAVE will be put into effect as soon as the minimum standards are developed and towards those ends, Director Bowman announce that the Equipped To Survive Foundation had been given a 3.2 million dollar grant to develop these standards. She lauded Equipped To Survive Foundation as "the logical choice to get the unequipped, equipped." ETS Foundation Executive Director Doug Ritter said the Park Service has asked that the new standards be ready within six months and that the Foundation will commence public hearings within a few weeks. Ritter started to explain, "it's not that we don't already know what's needed, but we are obligated to give the public the opportunity to vent," at which time Ritter yelped as Secretary Bowmar brought her stiletto heal down on Ritter's foot, covered the microphone and apparently had a few words with Ritter, who finished off by saying, "just kidding, really." While Ritter obviously has the wilderness survival expertise, it remains to be seen if he can survive working for the government. TO IMPROVE IMAGE, FEMA CHANGES NAME The much criticized Federal Emergency Management Agency, commonly referred to my its initials FEMA (pronounced “fee-ma”), has taken another step to improve it’s tarnished image – they’re changing their name this June. In order to showcase a new focus on fast, friendly government action, FEMA will now be known as the "Immediate Rescue Service", or IRS (pronounced “I-are-ess”). Said FEMA spokesman Don Giviodam, "When someone in need hears, ‘We're from the IRS and we’re here to help you’, they’ll know how much we care.” FEMA reportedly spent 8.6 million dollars on a series of marketing studies to develop the new name and to ensure it would be well received by the general public. Asked about the new IRS, a spokesperson for the Internal Revenue Service reacted while shaking his head, “this is what we collect your tax dollars for?" In other changes, the head of the new IRS will no longer carry the title of "Director", but instead will be referred to as "Nero”. And after June, they will also be required to play a lyre. WE LOCATE, YOU LOCATE, iLOCATE After the huge success of last year’s iTins, Equipped To Survive and Apple, Inc., have partnered with ACR Electronics to roll out their next crossover survival product, the iLocator. Building on the experience and strength of the partners, iLocator will be based on the new Apple iPhone and combines a full-featured GPS equipped 406 MHz Personal Locator Beacon (PLB) based on ACR's new MicrOFix PLB, with an 8GB audio and video player and recorder - all in a stylish, waterproof, brushed stainless steel case. With iLocator, a person can now play their favorite tunes, videos, or podcasts while awaiting rescue. An extra cost option ($35) will include the complete contents of LifeView Outdoors' “Prepared To Survive” DVD (www.lifeview outdoors.com) that features, among others, Equipped To Survive founder, Doug Ritter. Survivors without any skills can receive survival instruction when required by watching the video. Said Ritter, “it is so difficult these days to get folks to even crack a survival manual, let alone have the attention span to read it, so at least this way they will have it all available in a format they might be able to absorb when they need it the most.” If not purchased beforehand, access to the DVD can be purchased at any time for $100.00 using the included credit card scanner. Explained Ritter, “pay us now or pay us lots more later when you have limited options, your choice.” A portion of the sales goes to support the non- profit Equipped To Survive Foundation. By utilizing Apple’s iTunes, a user may select from thousands of personalized distress tones for only 99 cents each (COSPAS-SARSAT and FCC approval still pending on this feature). Using the built-in video and audio recorder, those in poor condition and worried they may not make it can leave a final message for their friends and family. Alternatively, they can video their survival experience for inclusion in the new iLocator web site, sponsored by Apple and Equipped To Survive. Apple has commenced legal action against a domain squatter who currently owns that domain. The iLocator is a category 1 PLB, but utilizes a unique means to achieve the required buoyancy. If dropped in the water a PFD (PLB Floatation Device) inflates. This is a stylish brushed silver Mylar coated buoyancy cell and when removed from the water it almost magically disappears into the iLocator, ready for the next time. Apple refused to explain how this works, other than to say that it was another example of the superiority of Apple products compared to "those other guys." ACR declined to say anything about the PFD citing Apple CEO Steve Jobs threat to cut their kids off from their iTunes if they breathed a word of it. Said Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, “nobody knows more about surviving than does Apple, so it is only fitting that we use our technology to help others survive.” Apple looks at the collaboration primarily as a marketing effort. Having helped them survive, Jobs expects that the survivors will then round file all the Microsoft Windows computers they have and change over to Apple. iLocators will begin selling to the public in July for $899.00, exclusively at your Apple and ACR Electronics dealers. LOST AND FOUND IN REDMOND? In related news, there are reports that every other PLB manufacturer on the planet has been contacted within the past few days with unsolicited interest in acquiring their company. While the potential buyer has not been named, sources noted that there have been a slew of trademark registrations by Microsoft including, among dozens: MSLocator, MicroLost, MSFinder, ExplorerPLB, VistaLE (Lost Edition), MSOfficeLE (Lost Edition), Outlook-ingforU Commenting on the rumors that Microsoft might be getting into the PLB business to compete with Apple, Bill Gates would only say cryptically, "we intend to be everywhere you plan to be." Upon hearing the rumors, a spokesperson for the National Association for Search and Rescue (NASAR) commented, "just what we need, a PLB that has to be rebooted every time it's critical that it work." No word yet if there would be Control, Alt and Delete keys on the PLB. Wouldn't you want to bet your survival on Microsoft? GO WHICH WAY? Wristtop computer maker Suuntu has issued a press release disclaiming all involvement with an apparent virus that is propagating quickly into its GPS enabled wristtop computers. This is the first reported virus targeting a wristtop computer. An employee at the company has been fired and is being held by the FBI for introducing the virus, rumored to have been developed originally for his own personal use. The XXXfinder virus inserts the locations of every porn shop in North America into the memory and regardless of what route is loaded, takes you to the nearest porn shop. It was discovered early last week when a Girl Scout troop in New York City was on a hike through their version of wilderness (a large park) and ended up at place called "Spanky's S&M Pleasure Emporium," much to the scout leaders' surprise and dismay. Suuntu is reported to be working hard to develop a means to delete the virus, but in the meantime owners are warned not to depend upon the guidance provided, unless you really are looking for a nearby porn shop. Contact Suuntu to be placed on an email list to receive the fix once it is finalized. In a curious note, Suuntu's stock price jumped significantly once news of the virus leaked. The company said sales of the GPS enabled models are up 200% and it has received thousands of requests asking how to get infected with the virus. Writers have also included suggestions that any future virus include the locations of novelty toy shops and a list of 900 numbers. Suuntu is rumored to be considering offering a special XXX model, to be sold only to adults. WIGGY GOES...WIGGY Wiggy, the founder and owner of WIGGY’S, INC., noted maker of sleeping bags and other outdoor equipment, is now making a claim that even Al Gore might find hard to believe, but which Wiggy insists is true. The ever-iconoclastic Wiggy claims that his insulating product, Lamilite, is so warm that he ALONE is responsible for much of the global warming crisis! “When a polar expedition uses my sleeping bags, I know it because the polar ice caps recede. That’s how warm Lamilite is! I have satellite images to prove it! Do the Thinsulate folks? I don’t think so!,” said Wiggy in a 137- paragraph newsletter posted on his company’s website. Wiggy expressed his frustration at having brought this obvious cause to the attention of scientists and being ignored. He commented, “you’d think they were all stupid and ignorant sleeping bag or boot manufacturers from the way they ignore my advice. These kids just don’t understand the power of Lamilite insulation.” I’M REGISTERED AT LEATHERMAN. If you outdoors types like to do a bit of formal entertaining at home, but still want to show off your rugged side, the folks at Leatherman have a new tool just for you – the Leatherman “Entree.” Those of you who remember the original Leatherman Flair will appreciate how much more they have now managed to pack into a similar size package. Made of solid sterling silver (with the exception of the highly polished stainless steel knife blades and 14 carat gold fasteners), this new multi-tool features a full setting of dining flatware in a stylish, engraved package. On the outside, your dinner guest will find a dinner knife, salad fork, and soup spoon – all lock in place and can be opened with one hand. Opening up the handles reveals a butter knife, iced tea spoon, coffee / dessert spoon, toothpick, lanyard ring, and a universal socket for attaching accessories. The pliers have been heavily modified to serve as fish bone pickers with a built in white LED flashlight integrated into the jaws to enable diners to find those dangerous fish bones in the dim light of a candlelit formal dinner. The accessory pack includes an appetizer fork, lobster pick, napkin ring, place-card holder, and a full set of flathead and Phillips bits, all designed to fit Leatherman's proprietary flattened hex universal socket. Accessory items are also solid sterling silver except for the screwdriver bits. An adjustable pepper mill is built into the black Italian leather sheath. The silver-plated grinding crank flips out from the side. At a medium grind setting, a full peppercorn reservoir will produce a tablespoon of ground pepper (peppercorns are not included). The Entrée sells for $1,750 and should be in fine jewelry stores in time for this coming holiday season. A limited edition platinum version is reportedly in the works, but Leatherman declined to confirm that for us. NEITHER WIND, NOR RAIN, NOR SLEET, NOR SNOW... Doug Ritter, Executive Director of the Equipped to Survive Foundation has been invited by the United States Postal Service to assist in developing a Survival Stamps series designed to educate the public about survival issues. Postmaster General John E. Potter said, "the past year has seen some really tragic endings to survival situations that might have turned out otherwise had those involved been more knowledgeable. The Post Service has a history of surviving the worst that mother nature can throw at us and coming through. We hope the Survival Stamps series causes more folks to stop waiting for someone else to help them in an emergency and learn to help themselves." Along with the stamp series, the Postal Service and ETS will jointly issue a companion book authored by Ritter complimenting each of the stamp series. Included will be suggestions on how the stamps may be used in a survival situation. These include how to stick Survival Stamps together to make a shelter, a blanket, a signal mirror, or a drinking cup, and how to use a Survival Stamp to actually mail a letter. The first series of stamps will be dedicated to the “Four Essentials” – Fire, Shelter, Water and Signaling. It illustrates how to maker a fire, set up a lean-to shelter, find water and use a signal mirror. A unique mirrored stamp with a hole in the middle was initially considered for the “Signaling” series, but the designers of the “Tribute to Disco” stamp series claimed they had that idea first. They have been challenged to a dance-off to see who wins the right to the mirrored stamp concept. Next will be a series dedicated to "Emergency Preparation" that will illustrate the tools a person should always carry – a knife, matches, compass and whistle. Some liberal groups have protested the inclusion of a knife, claiming it encourages violence and could result in a child being suspended from school if caught on campus with a letter having that stamp affixed to it. Ritter commented that it might be best in such cases for the child if they were removed from such a sick, sad and sorry educational environment in any case. The idea of a “First Aid” series is being re-thought due to its too realistic illustration of various medical emergencies. The “Compound Fracture” stamp was particularly criticized. "It was pretty gross, we had a number of the focus group get ill and pass out,” noted Ritter. Others suggested it would be quite popular when sending in tax returns. A proposed Survival Instructor series is being considered. Test stamps with an image of Cody Lundin, the famous “Abo- Dude,” completely naked except for a G-string self-made of woven yucca - did especially well with the ladies in focus groups. A proposed stamp with a naked Les Stroud did not do nearly as well. Despite the historical accuracy and importance of cannibalism in the history of survival, a "Cannibalism" series was rejected as beyond the bounds of good taste, even artistic taste. It proposed color illustrations of survivors eating dinner including the Donner Party, Alfred Packer, Flight 571 and the Uruguayan rugby team, and one especially controversial one from North Korea during Kim Il Sung’s “Daddy – It’s What’s for Dinner” campaign to stave off famine in 2001. In addition, it was the opinion of the review board that Pam Anderson never, technically, practiced cannibalism. Several suggestions for “interactive stamps” are being considered, including a petroleum jelly-based stamp adhesive that can be used when starting fires, a stamp that is impregnated with anti-biotic and can be used as an adhesive bandage, and a “bullion stamp” that can be boiled to provide the survivor with a warm vitamin-filled chicken-flavored drink. SURVIVAL BLUES = STIFFER RESULTS? Looking to re-energize flagging sales, Pfizer Inc. is now offering its blockbuster anti-impotence drug, Viagra, to the survival community as an essential part of any emergency survival kit. Now you just get your mind out of that gutter! Just as condoms have legitimate survival uses, it appears that little blue pill may have a place in your survival gear. According to Pfizer's latest research, rubbing a diluted solution of Viagra on a weakened or limp tree limb will give it the stiffness of a hearty, healthy branch. The solution can also be used to lengthen a branch or bough that's not quite long enough to be useful for creating shelter. “This will allow the survivor to build a lean-to shelter or stretcher out of much smaller branches”, said a Pfizer spokesperson, “and smaller branches are more easily found on the forest floor.” The spokesperson stressed that this is a short-term solution only, and any lean-to or stretcher lasting more than four hours should not be used as it could collapse at any point. Pfizer is conducting further research to see if it can be used to create a compact auto-erecting shelter. Initial results are promising, though there is some concern that the initial testers may have exaggerated how quickly the prototype shelter self-erects and how long it stays up. _______________________________________ ETS Survival News is copyrighted and may not be reproduced without permission. Permission is granted to share this newsletter in its entirety with friends and associates via email or it can be found on the Web at . ETS Survival News is published irregularly when we damn well feel like it, most often on March 32nd. We welcome submittal of news items, but reserve the right to disregard most anything we don't feel like publishing. Letters to the editor are generally ignored unless they are complimentary. Today's issue was written by Clifford Grout and Doug Ritter and edited by Doug Ritter, just so you know whom to blame. We hope you have enjoyed this attempt at some April Fools humor. If we have inadvertently offended anyone, well, you really need to get a life. "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." - Mark Twain If you enjoyed this newsletter, prior issues of ETS Survival News can be found at . _______________________________________ Copyright (c) 2007 Equipped To Survive Foundation All rights reserved - www.equipped.org