----------------------------------------------------------- ETS Survival News Equipped To Survive Issue 1, Volume 6 March 32, 2008 ----------------------------------------------------------- *********************************************************** ETS Survival News is an irregularly published compendium of news related to survival, survival gear and search and rescue. Published with support from the Equipped To Survive Foundation. Please visit us at: http://www.equipped.org *********************************************************** RITTER SIGNS ON FOR DANGEROUS BOOK Book publisher Harper Collins announced today that they have signed Equipped To Survive Foundation Chairman and Executive Director Doug Ritter to a record-setting $1.12 million book contract to edit and contribute to the follow-up of their recent best-seller, "The Dangerous Book for Boys." The new book will be called "The Dangerous Book for Grown Men." "When the Dr. Phils of this world are defining what it is to be a Grown Man, a book like this is essential," said Ritter. "We’ve got too many urban wusses in this country, and that needs to change." Ritter will be the Technical Editor and will personally write many sections of the book, including: "What Real Men Must Carry At All Times," and many of the outdoor sections, such as "How to Start A Fire – Pyro Isn’t Just For Boys," "Personal Survival Kits for Outdoor Emergencies – When Dialing 911 Isn’t an Option," and "Where Size Does Matter - Picking The Right Knife." Ritter will also pen the opening essay for the book, "Why MacGyver Is The Most Dangerous Man in the World." Ritter will be joined by many other notable contributors, including Jeff Gordon on NASCAR etiquette, Clint Eastwood on selecting the right handgun and counting your shots, Ashley Alexandra Dupre on keeping the mystery in romance (interestingly, Ms. Dupre was also asked to do the section on essential knots), Vice President Dick Cheney on hunting safety, Mel Gibson on phrases you should never say to a policeman, Steve Jobs on how to become a dangerous man by making millions out of your parents garage, The Mythbusters team on party tricks with explosives, Bear Grylls on how to eat anything raw, Sean Connery on the proper wearing of a kilt (and how to conceal your Walther PPK when you do), and Larry the Cable Guy on how to properly utter that essential phrase used by all dangerous men, "Hey, everybody - watch this." Harper Collins expects to have the book on shelves in time for the Holiday Season. EQUIPPED TO SURVIVE TO RESEARCH LOST CAUSES The Department of Interior’s National Park Service and the Department of Agriculture’s United States Forest Service jointly announced a $1.9 million contract award to Equipped To Survive Foundation to study the causes of lost visitors to the nation’s national parks, forests and public lands. Executive Director of the ETS Foundation, Doug Ritter said, "we are pleased and honored to have won this award, which builds on our established expertise in the area of testing and evaluating distress signaling technology, but asks the critical question, why are they getting lost in the first place? While the technology is a big help in preventing tragedy, if we stop the problem at its source that would be even more effective." The initial phase of the study will start over the popular Fourth of July weekend. One thousand study individuals will be randomly selected upon entry into national Parks and Monuments and safely sedated. Each study individual will then be fitted with a tracking collar looking not dissimilar to a hundred other gadgets semi-implanted in user's ears. The study individuals will be tracked via an integral GPS receiver and satellite transmitter in the collar. The collars are being provided by SPOT, Inc., being a highly modified version of their SPOT Satellite Messenger. Special sensors in the collar that are on loan from the DEA will register the nearby presence of a variety of drugs, alcohol and other stimulants and depressors. An automated 360 degree digital camera will register an image of the person’s surroundings every five minutes and transmit this along with the GPS location. It was noted that the collars do not have emergency signaling capability since the individuals are not subscribers to the SPOT service, thus unless they have some other means of signaling distress, they may well die if they do get lost and cannot signal their distress. However, Ritter noted that "the study is about figuring out just how in the hell so many people can get lost annually, not about saving them. I'LL HAVE A MOCHA WITH MY RESCUE, PLEASE The U.S. Coast Guard, in a continuing effort to improve morale, improve their relations with boaters and, perhaps most importantly, to help alleviate tight budgets, announced today a partnership with STARBUCKS. In exchange for an unspecified annual contribution, the Coast Guard will convert all its coffee service to STARBUCKS and the company will finance the installation in all Coast Guard Motor Life Boats, Cutters and Aircraft of specially designed Barista Equipment including Espresso and Cappuccino Machines. Recent complaints from civilians regarding interaction with the Coast Guard due in part to their heightened involvement with Homeland Security issues have resulted in stepped-up efforts to appease frayed relations, including a recent All Coast Guard message on the subject. Commandant of the Coast Guard, Admiral Thad Allen, said, "certainly showing up with a boarding party that first hands out cups of STARBUCKS will put everyone in a better frame of mind regarding the boarding being conducted." In exchange for the financial contribution, the Coast Guard has agreed also to add a STARBUCKS Green strip next to the orange strip on the bow of Coast Guard vessels and to fly the STARBUCKS pennant below the Coast Guard’s. According to Coast Guard spokesperson Semp R. Parat, there was initially some concern about the "commercialization" of the Coast Guard as a result of these changes, but in the end, financial issues won out. Admiral Allen noted that it was either something like this or they "would have to start charging for rescues and a good cup of coffee, espresso or cappuccino just seemed like a better solution." While morale may well improve due to the higher quality STARBUCKS offerings, there was considerable dissatisfaction with the new "Carrista" ratings and addition of a tip jar to the equipment lists. It was also noted that some HH-65 Dolphin helicopter crewmembers were complaining that just when new engines have finally given the historically severely under-powered Dolphin enough power to be an effective SAR platform, the new STARBUCKS equipment and supplies will cut into the advantage by adding almost 170 pounds of permanent payload. Rescued mariners, however, will likely appreciate the offerings when they are hoisted up, "I’ll have a vente triple mocha with whip, and thanks for rescuing me, by the way." CRITTERS VS. GORILLA Henkel North America, which manufacturers the popular "Duck" brand of duct tape in the U.S., has entered into partnership with Equipped to Survive Editor, Doug "Critter" Ritter, to provide consulting for their new "Critter Series" tape, Heinkel's answer to rival Gorilla Glue, Incorporated’s, Gorilla Tape. Originally, Henkel wanted to name each type of tape after a character in the 1986 cult classic movie "Critters," but market research showed that no one remembered who they were. When contacted, even some of the actors in the movie had forgotten. The Critter Series tapes will be a series of woven tapes with varying adhesion, coatings, and water resistance, named in such a manner that the specifications and capabilities will match up to the Critter used as a name. As an example, "Gator Tape" will have an extremely tough textured outer covering and a very aggressive adhesive. "Chameleon Tape" will be designed to blend in with whatever it is adhered to, becoming almost invisible. A portion of the profits are going to replace Ritter’s infamous 26-year-old Chevy pick-up truck, "CRITTER," < http://phoenix.craigslist.org/car/625723714.html > so long-suffering wife Sue will quit nagging him about getting rid of the decrepit and leaky old junker. FCC SAYS "NO" TO ANOTHER PLB WANNNABE The FCC has denied approval of the "Oceans-12 Personal Locator Beacon." The manufacturer, Kung Pao Chicken Toy Factory of Tianjin, China, said they were surprised and disappointed by the decision. "We believe had best seller here," said company spokesman, Chin A. Qrap. The FCC spokesperson, Donmess Withus, pointed out that their so-called Personal Locator Beacon was little more than an unsold George Clooney action figure, repackaged with a small radio transmitter in the body, an antenna sticking out his of his head, and spray painted day-glo orange. Withus also noted the unusual location the activation switch, which he claims will lead to many false alerts. "We can't send out Search and Rescue every time someone thinks it's funny to touch George, um.... there." The manufacturer said they will appeal, claiming this decision is simply an overreaction to the recent problems with Chinese products and discriminatory. They point to the TracMe homing device and note that it is still being offered for sale as a PLB, despite FCC action, and claim their device would be just as effective. PESK INTRODUCED IN TIME FOR ELECTION Just in time for this election season, Doug Ritter and Adventure Medical Kits have just introduced their Personal Election Survival Kit (PESK). This handy kit, with an MSRP of $29.99, will deal with candidates of all stripes, and with their noxious staged events, computerized phone calls, mailings, and commercials that are inundating our lives. PESK comes with complete instructions authored by Ritter covering how to use the components, as well as how to deal with those embarrassing situations that crop up every four years, such as being caught in a spontaneous man-in-the- street video-op with a candidate. An example: "Shake the candidate's hand and ask in a loud voice, 'Are you the guy who pays me the $300 for showing up here?'" The kit contains several essential items, such as two dozen earplugs (enough for an entire primary!), a reversible t-shirt with "Rush Limbaugh is an Idiot!" on one side and "Al Franken is an Idiot!" on the other, another reversible t-shirt with, "I don’t care, just please be done with it!" on one side and "How about a choice I can vote for, instead of against?" on the other, a keychain sized "Basil Fawlty Random Insult Generator" for those annoying telephone polls, compact industrial-rated waders and a nose-clip for surviving stump-speeches and six non- allergenic nitrile surgical gloves for shaking a candidate's hand And, for ETS Premium Members, we will also send you a cell phone number (specially obtained by covert means) so you can prove for yourself who is answering the phone at 3:00 am. ETS EBAY AUCTION PULLED OVER EQUIPMENT MISUNDERSTADING Equipped To Survive regrets to announce that their recent e-Bay fundraising auction was removed by the auction site due to an unfortunate misunderstanding. The "Win 7 Days In The Deep Woods With Les Stroud and Take Care of His Equipment" was referring to his camera equipment, which he takes along to film his Survivorman episodes. We’ll try again at a later date. By the way, Bear Grylls, the star of the somewhat similar Man vs. Wild series, was also approached to participate. However, a spokesman for Bear said, "Mr. Grylls has a full production team with him when he films, so we can say with certainty that Mr. Grylls doesn't have much in the way of equipment on him." We couldn’t possibly make this up... _______________________________________ ETS Survival News is copyrighted and may not be reproduced without permission. Permission is granted to share this newsletter in its entirety with friends and associates via email or it can be found on the Web at . ETS Survival News is published irregularly when we damn well feel like it, most often on March 32nd. We welcome submittal of news items, but reserve the right to disregard most anything we don't feel like publishing. Letters to the editor are generally ignored unless they are complimentary. Today's issue was written by Clifford Grout, Chris Cavanaugh and Doug Ritter and edited by Doug Ritter, just so you know whom to blame. We hope you have enjoyed this attempt at some April Fools humor. If we have inadvertently offended anyone, well, you really need to get a life. "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." - Mark Twain If you enjoyed this newsletter, prior issues of ETS Survival News can be found at . _______________________________________ Copyright (c) 2008 Equipped To Survive Foundation All rights reserved - www.equipped.org