----------------------------------------------------------- ETS Survival News Equipped To Survive Issue 1, Volume 7 March 32, 2009 ----------------------------------------------------------- *********************************************************** ETS Survival News is an irregularly published compendium of news related to survival, survival gear and search and rescue. Published with support from the Equipped To Survive Foundation. Please visit us at: http://www.equipped.org *********************************************************** DOUG RITTER ANNOUNCE NEW BEAR GRYLLS SURVIVAL SHOW Doug Ritter's Equipped To Survive Productions announced an new show for the Travel Channel, sponsored by Hotels.com and called Man vs. Resort (M v R). Hosted by well-known self- proclaimed survival expert Bear Grylls, M v R will draw upon the many experiences Grylls has gained while staying in hotels and resorts the world over during the filming of his Man vs. Wild and other survival TV series. Grylls is quoted in promotional materials as saying that "while some folks were scandalized by the revelations that I stay at hotels and resorts while filming my survival shows, they really don’t appreciate just how difficult it can be to survive that sort of luxury. Survival in the wild can be a piece of cake in comparison and this show will serve to set the record straight." Doug Ritter commented,"this show just begged to be made," and says the support from Hotels.com should raise as much as 1.6 million dollars for the cash-strapped non-profit Equipped To Survive Foundation. Added Doug, "hopefully that money will help us promote real survival preparedness to counter some of Grylls' prior TV antics." Grylls will focus on how to survive in style while traveling through exotic and remote locations. Topics to be covered include how to tip properly in Mali, where to stay in Tibet if you want a good steak, the best place for a pedicure in Mongolia, and hidden wi-fi locations in the Solomon Islands. The planned season finale of M v R has Grylls showing where the most comfortable hotel bathrobes in Africa can be found, and where to get a decent curry in Weston-super-Mare. Les Stroud, host of the Survivorman series, was unavailable for comment for at least the next seven days due to actually being out in the wilderness. SURVIVAL IS AS SURVIVAL DOES The Bubba Tarp Company has announced a new survival shelter, the Dehydrated Blue Survival Tarp, with the moniker DeBluTd (pronounced DeeBlueTeed) for short. Inventor Bob "Bubba" Brown claims to have gotten the idea after watching his kids play with Sea Monkeys. "I figured if I could develop a similar idea for a tarp I’d be rich enough to get a new double-wide," he remarked standing in front of the current single-wide company headquarters. The 10 x 10 ft. blue tarp is freeze dried before being vacuum packed into a beer can sized container with a pop-top lid. To use the DeBuTd in an emergency, you just pop the lid and slowly poor water into the top. The blue tarp then starts to expand and over a period of 10 minutes will expand to its full size, taking about one pint of water. In a pinch, a survivor can use urine to rehydrate the tarp, but Bubba warns that the result will be a green tarp instead of blue. When asked what a survivor in the desert was supposed to do, Bubba seemed confused, asking, "why do you need a tarp for dessert?" A LITTLE CHEESE WITH THAT WINE? Cascade Designs, which last year rolled out the PlatyPreserve wine bladder for outdoor/survival use, has introduced the special edition Doug Ritter BigCheese bladders and containers for bringing your favorite cheese, crackers, pate and condiments to accompany your wine. The BigCheese series will come in several sizes, and will be compatible with all types of cheese, crackers, pates, summer sausages, and condiments. All BigCheese series will have sterling silver caps and hardware. Ritter noted that "just because it’s all about survival, doesn’t mean they can’t have a touch of class." The BigCheese, Sir! Series, (for field-grade officers and above), utilizes a special heavy-duty bladder for military use, but is also well suited for civilian use with a hearty Limburger, Morbier, Muenster or Beer Kaese. The objective was to make sure nobody would be able to identify a hidey-hole if the smell were to leak out. The French Army has placed an initial order for 10,000 units. The German Army is also considering a purchase, but has required these same units be drop tested with German cheeses, which testing is under consideration. This area of the market has been mostly ignored since Backpacker’s Pantry discontinued it’s freeze-dried brie product several years ago, after their "It’s easy, just have your domestic add water!" ads fell flat. However, early testing of the BigCheese Series with the outdoor/survival market has been positive, and Cascade Design’s "Pardon me, do you EDC any Grey Poupon?" ad campaign has proved very popular. IF IT'S NOT SPELLED RIGHT, THAT COULD BE A CLUE Doug Ritter and the Equipped to Survive Foundation are warning the public about the latest faux signal mirror being sold on e-Bay which, says Ritter, are totally ineffective. This is the second such fakes they have been discovered this year. Ritter said the 2 by 3-inch mirrors can be easily identified. "They're a dull grey color and not shiny at all," noted Ritter. "That should your first giveaway. They look a lot like old 'fridge magnets,’ because, well, they are." The words "SIGNIL MIROR" (sic) written on one side in what appears to be magic marker ought to be another clue and shouldn't fool anyone, he said. Unfortunately, the U.S. military now has a ocean shipping container load of the useless magnets and isn’t sure what to do with it. According to Major Pond F. Lish, the faux mirrors were purchased off eBay in an effort to economize. Major Lish, interviewed while awaiting to board a C-17 on its way to Afghanistan, was also quite upset that the "Made in China" labels were not apparent in the eBay images, saying that, "my superiors were even more upset about where they were made, than that they didn’t work." SURVIVAL IS HARD...ARE YOU READY? In a bid to restore its image after several embarrassing recalls and as compliment to its classic Barbie line, leading U.S. toy manufacturer, Mattel, has announced a series of survival action figures to capitalize on the recent popularity of survival and preparedness. The new dolls will be part of the READY line. Said Mattel spokesperson, Ken Carson, "just don’t call them 'survival dolls.'" Due for initial release this holiday season, the READY line will add one survival action figure at a time over the next 12 months. The Doug (Critter) Ritter action figure is the first to be released. The Ritter figure comes with downsized version of Ritter’s RSK Mk1 Knife, CRKT RSK Mk5 fixed blade, AMK Personal Survival Pak, E-Gear Pico Lite and a Personal Locator Beacon. Many other optional survival accessories will also be available for purchase. Of particular note is a scale life raft which includes a Surfing Barbie to serve as Ritter’s co-survivor. Sue Ritter reportedly has objected to Barbie because she’s too young, at age 50, for Doug. Another potential companion for any of the READY dolls might be the new Caribou Barbie, one of the 50th Anniversary Limited Editions. Caribou Barbie comes equipped with a fixed blade hunting knife on her belt and carries a scoped Winchester Model 700 Mountain Rifle on a sling. Accessories include a caribou plush toy which is designed to be dressed out by Caribou Barbie and her READY companions. Caribou Barbie’s "sexy librarian" style hairdo looks somewhat familiar, sort of reminds us of a recent vice-presidential candidate. Probably just our imagination. Ritter was quick to point out that a portion of sales of the Ritter action figure will be donated to Ritter’s Equipped To Survive Foundation. Ritter is quoted as saying that, "we’re not exactly planning any new programs from these proceeds, given expected sales." Other figures in the READY line will include the Les Stroud, complete with 60 pounds of camera accessories and a hat, the Bear Grylls, which comes with a full film crew and a room service menu, the Tim Leatherman, whose limbs fold out to reveal 137 different tools, the Katrina Victim, which comes with it’s own crate of MRE’s and a stack of FEMA paperwork, and the McGyver, which comes with a miniature Swiss Army Knife and instructions on how to use an empty toilet paper roll and paper clip to make everything from a satellite phone to an arc-welder! The Aron Ralston action figure, with detachable arm and dull Leatherman Tool knock-off, has been tied up in litigation, but Mattel still hopes to include it in the line-up. SHELTER... FIRE... SNUGGIE? The makers of the now famous (as seen on TV!) Snuggie, the blanket with the sleeves, recently asked Equipped To Survive Foundation to test the Snuggie for it's suitability for survival/emergency preparedness situations. ETS agreed, and sent several ETS Forum members in various parts of the country a sample to try out. Unfortunately, ETS is not able to report very satisfactory results. All reviewers reported the Snuggie is fine for indoors (kids seem to really like it), but in a survival situation it has drawbacks. The blanket is thin and doesn't keep one warm below about 55 degrees (F). It is not waterproof. It does not close completely about the user or have a hood, allowing rain directly in and body heat out. There are no grommets at the corners, so it can't be used as a tarp or lean-to, nor does it compress to a compact size, making daily carry unmanageable. The color range is limited and no high-visibility orange is offered. However, the most common complaint voiced by testers was that wearing one makes you look like a complete dork. Said one tester, "I’d rather die, than be seen in one of these. It was totally embarrassing to test it; my son wouldn’t speak to me for a week afterwards, not even to ask for money." DOUG RITTER BAILS US OUT Trying to do his part in this distressed economy, Doug Ritter, executive director of the Equipped To Survive Foundation, announced a new, multipurpose, multi- environmental survival product called, "The Bailout." It is made from finely woven red tape combined via secret technology with duct tape. The Bailout is a user-configurable wonder product that can work in any number of ways: in a first aid situation it can stop hemorrhaging, be it blood or 401(k) losses, remove toxic loans or toxic poisons, and can prevent sickness and tight credit. The Bailout can be used to build infrastructure needed for shelter, communications, or porcine projects being promoted by elected representatives for their constituents. Due to its extraordinary strength, it allows users to hang tough, hang loose or just hang by a thread. There are so many uses for The Bailout, it comes with a 1,200 page manual. Due to this complexity, special schools will be set up to teach The Bailout 101 course and a certificate of completion is required to purchase The Bailout. The school is free, being paid for by a modest government grant to Equipped To Survive Foundation of just 2.7 billion dollars. The Bailout will be free for everyone who makes less than $250,000 a year and receives certification from ETS Foundation’s The Bailout University. Those making over $250,000 a year will find a modest 20% surcharge on their taxes to cover the cost of The Bailout and The Bailout University. ormal retail cost of The Bailout is just $9.95 each, unless you make over $250,000, in which case the cost is a modest $10,000. The Bailout is being manufactured in China in order to keep costs in control. Complaints about it not being made in the U.S. were vehemently dismissed by government officials as being mean spirited and not in keeping the fiscal restraint required by the government in this troubled economy. The first 100,000 people to order get a free TARP! WHO SAYS THERE AIN’T NO SUCH THING? Mountain House, the maker of freeze-dried food for outdoor and emergency use, has announced a new product in keeping with our times – the Freeze-Dried Free Lunch. The Freeze- Dried Free Lunch weighs absolutely nothing, tastes great, is calorie free, and will be able to fully provide you with your anticipated nutritional, educational, medical needs. All the user has to do is open the package and pour in 780 billion dollars of somebody else’s money. A NOTE FROM THE PUBLISHER In recent months we have been inundated with requests for our recommendation on the single best piece of survival gear to help financially weather today's nasty economy. After much thought, we recommend you get a mattress. _______________________________________ ETS Survival News is copyrighted and may not be reproduced without permission. Permission is granted to share this newsletter in its entirety with friends and associates via email or it can be found on the Web at . ETS Survival News is published irregularly when we damn well feel like it, most often on March 32nd. We welcome submittal of news items, but reserve the right to disregard most anything we don't feel like publishing. Letters to the editor are generally ignored unless they are complimentary. Contributing to this issue were Clifford Grout, Chris Kavanaugh, Kris Gruenebaum and Doug Ritter. Edited by Doug Ritter. Now you know who to blame. We hope you have enjoyed this attempt at some April Fools humor. If we have inadvertently offended anyone, well, you really need to get a life. "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." - Mark Twain If you enjoyed this newsletter, prior issues of ETS Survival News can be found at . _______________________________________ Copyright (c) 2009 Equipped To Survive Foundation All rights reserved - www.equipped.org