----------------------------------------------------------- ETS Survival News Equipped To Survive Issue 1, Volume 8 March 32, 2010 ----------------------------------------------------------- *********************************************************** ETS Survival News is an irregularly published compendium of news related to survival, survival gear and search and rescue. Published with support from the Equipped To Survive Foundation. Please visit us at: http://www.equipped.org *********************************************************** WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET? Doug Ritter, Chairman of Equipped to Survive Foundation, and Capital One have signed a cross promotion deal that could earn Ritter and ETS Foundation an estimated 7 Million Dollars over the next five years. Ryan Schneider, President of Capital One's Card Services, and Ritter jointly announced the deal at Capital One's McLean, Virginia, headquarters. Schneider said, "Capital One's 'what's in your wallet?' campaign is a perfect match for Doug's trademark, 'if it isn't with you, it can't save you' mantra." Capitol One will offer up a new "Equipped To SurviveŽ" card which will capitalize on expanded interest in personal preparedness and personal responsibility in the U.S. Besides the usual awards and benefits offered to all Capital One Card customers, they will receive double awards when the card is used to purchase selected preparedness and survival equipment from select retailers, as well as life and health insurance, another form of preparedness, from participating insurance companies. Said Ritter, "we hope that this will further encourage folks to become better equipped to survive whatever the future brings and perhaps take some of the financial sting out of President Obama's new government health insurance mandates and penalties." Ritter emphasized that in today's world, preparedness must cover a wide range of situations, not just wilderness survival, but also urban survival and financial preparedness as well. "People who will never venture into the wilderness still need to be prepared for both natural and man-made disasters and this new Capital One Equipped To SurviveŽ card will help with all of that and support the good work that ETS does as well," said Ritter. Capital One becomes the official credit card of Equipped To SurviveŽ. Ritter said he is looking forward to filming a series of commercials featuring Capital One's trademark band of Viking Raiders. "Vikings were most certainly equipped to survive and thus the ideal vehicle for getting this message across with their rare blend of humor and Viking aggressiveness," said Ritter. Moreover, Ritter noted that the Capital One Viking commercials were some of his favorite and the opportunity to do the commercials was as important as the financial incentives in making the deal. The possibility of making a Capital One Equipped To SurviveŽ Survival and Preparedness Video featuring Ritter and the Vikings has been the subject of discussion and "is certainly a possibility" said Schneider, adding, "Capital One is making preparedness a key component of our marketing and that would be a logical public service we could provide that ties in well." Initial plans to offer up a titanium metal version of the new Capital One Equipped To SurviveŽ card with a sharpened edge have been put on hold pending further discussions with the TSA. "We contend that this is just a way to provide our card holders a back-up tool to carry, the better to be equipped to survive, but the TSA considers it a weapon, which we believe is ridiculous," said Schneider who noted that his 4-inch pointed scissors would be a far more effective weapon and they are allowed onboard. "Since the TSA caved in to those who need to trim their beards, like our lovable Vikings, to allow the scissors and there are millions more credit card holders than those with beards, we expect to prevail in the end," said Schneider. Ritter was heard to comment under his breath, "they don't call it the Terminally Stupid Administration for nothing, so don't hold your breath." Stymied by the TSA for now, Capital One and Ritter are pursuing another option which will provide both enhanced security and serve as a survival signaling tool. As Ritter noted, "there have been a number of rescues where the tiny hologram on a credit card was used to signal distress, so we are looking at making the entire card a highly reflective holographic image and including a retro-reflective aiming aid in the center to allow one-handed aiming just like a real signal mirror." The larger hologram will increase the range of the signal 10-fold, making it a much more effective signal mirror. Schneider pointed out that the larger hologram would be even more difficult to forge, adding to card security and making the card better equipped to survive the perils of modern day commerce. "This partnership with Doug is already reaping unexpected benefits," noted Schneider. NATIONAL PARKS TO REQUIRE PerMISSION? Democratic Senators and Representatives from Californian and Florida have joined to together to introduce a bill that they claim will reduce the cost of search and rescue, while opponents say it is really aimed at boosting employment in the distress beacon industry, major producers and importers of which just happen to be located in those states. Patterned after the mandates in the recently passed Health Care Bill, the Personal Multi-mode Interactive Situational Security In Nature Bill, "PerMISSION Bill" for short, would require anyone who enters a National Park to carry a government approved Personal Locator Beacon (PLB) or Satellite Emergency Notification Device (SEND), such as SPOT. Said Senator Social Lisky (D-CA), "the cost of search and rescue is simply out of control - too many states want to charge for rescue and we must put the brakes on this - the government knowing where you are is a basic human right!" Sen. Lisky denied that the strong Administration support for the PerMISSION Bill was a quid pro quo for the sponsors' votes for the Health Care Bill. Under the PerMISSION Bill, Americans must now have PerMISSION to enter a National Park. Those who enter a National Park without a PLB or SEND will be accessed $500, considerably more than the cost of the beacon itself. Those unable to pay, will be turned away and reported to the IRS, which will be charged with collecting the penalty. Representative Real T. Bitestein (D-FL) was emphatic that, "this is not a tax, this is simply a responsible response to shift - sorry, I meant pay for - the escalating costs of search and rescue. It is a very small price to pay for covering those minority of visitors to the park that are costing us so much money." Estimates are that less than 4% of park visitors require search and rescue services and almost all of them chose not to invest in a PLB or SEND. Under this bill, they would no longer have PerMISSION. The PLB or SEND virtually eliminates search expenses, which drive the high cost of search and rescue, by transmitting a GPS position in the alert and thereby allowing rescuers to go directly to the person needing rescue. The $500 assessment will be used to cover costs of rescue and subsidize the purchase of a beacon by those unable to pay for one. It is anticipated that PLB and SEND retailers will establish retail outlets at the entrance to all National Parks, so that those who wish to avoid the penalty assessment can simply purchase one before entering. However, those who fail to do so and try to enter the Park, will not be able to escape the assessment and they will then need to get government PerMISSION. Those who cannot afford to buy a beacon, determined by a complicated formula that doesn't seem to mathematically add up, can make an application for a "PerMISSION Slip," a subsidized purchase coupon. However, it isn't clear how that will be handled or how much the subsidy will be. While the law would start to be enforced this year, PerMISSION Slips won't be available until 2015. The bill leaves the details entirely to the discretion of the National Park Service who have said they don't have the staff to administer such a program, although the bill provides for 20 million dollars to cover "administration." Current costs for all search and rescue activities at National Parks was estimated by the GAO to be just 9 million dollars. A Park Service spokesperson said, "we are a bit confused about the math, but if it makes our job easier, discourages Americans from coming to the National Parks and gives us more money to spend, we are all for giving PerMISSION." The America The Beautiful Coalition is opposed to the bill over fears of all the ugly billboards likely to pop up to encourage visitors to buy a PLB or SEND first before entering the Parks. The bill's sponsors claim that this is just fear mongering and that it will never happen. "If Congress passes this law and we say this will never happen, than there's no possibility at all that it ever will happen, mark my words," said Senator Com E. Boxter (D-CA). PETA ATTACKS RITTER AND THE PSP PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has demanded Doug Ritter modify the Personal Survival Paks (PSP) he designed and which are marketed by Adventure Medical Kits, or remove them from the market altogether. "Like, y'know, these kits send the totally wrong message," said Pamela Deecups, national PETA spokeshuman, "I mean, like, the contents are sooo unethical for animals, so wrong, so wrong." Deecups said PETA was very upset about the kits' insensitivity to the rights of animals, pointing to the fact that the kit included a fishing kit, fire starter, water purification and a knife. "Eating fish is yech! So wrong, so wrong. They have little fish families, and hooking them is just, like, torture to start with and murder if they are killed," exclaimed Deecups. She also pointed out that someone in a survival situation runs the risk of catching an endangered species, which she claimed was tantamount to genocide. Deecups said PETA could not sanction even the chance of that happening, and suggested Ritter add several days worth of ramen noodles and freeze-dried arugula to the pocket-sized kits instead. Encouraging fire-starting in the natural environment was also a non-starter for PETA, because of the threat of forest fires and danger to wildlife. "Even more, when someone puts a log on the fire," said Deecups, "they forget that tree was the home of lots of little creatures and their families. It is, like, creating a little hell for them. Making a fire is species arson!" PETA suggested the fire-starting items in the PSK be replaced with a fluffy alpaca-wool sweater, made with wool from a free-range, green cooperative. She also took issue with the Survival Instructions which suggest that fire can boost morale of a survivor, saying, "what about the morale of the poor little animals. Like, their morale isn't boosted, like, they fear fire, it is so cruel, so cruel." Deecups also blasted the inclusion of Katadyn Micropur water purifier in the new PSP +PLUS, declaring, "bacteria and viruses are animals too, y'know. You commit murder on a massive scale with those toxic chemicals, like, gazllions of those cute microscopic animals are killed. Just bring along plenty of Evian water and stop the murder." The knife blade is beyond the pale according to PETA because knives are a symbol of our barbaric anti-animal past and PETA is concerned it would encourage violence to animals in the wilderness. "Knives have no purpose in nature. An animal could get hurt or even murdered," said Deecups. Deecups finally questioned the necessity of even having the PSP in survival situation. "Can't they just, like, call room service? I mean, y'know, that's what I do when I'm in a barren wilderness. Have you ever been to Shreveport?" In their letter to Ritter, PETA also challenged Ritter about whether he actually appreciates and cares for animals. "I certainly do," replied Ritter, "especially rare and with a good merlot." BECKER NUCLEAR OPTION Ethan Becker has announced the latest addition to his Becker Knife & Tool line of working knives, the "Nuclear Option." Saying that, "I have a reputation to uphold and some dingbat in Central America managed to actually break one of my oh-two-five-inch thick Campanion blades by using it to jack up a 20-ton carved Mayan temple stone. We can't have that, so we came up with the Nuclear Option." At a full 0.50-inch thick and only four inches long, Ethan said, "let 'em just try to break this sucker." The name comes from the lifetime guarantee, which includes survival of a nuclear event. If broken for any reason, including a nuclear event, KA-BAR will replace the knife for the original owner free of charge. In keeping with the robustness of this blade, they are being made of an exclusive new layered combination of S35VN outer layers and a cutting edge of Talonite, which saves some weight. Ethan admits it doesn't make all that much sense, but he notes, "sometimes you just got to do something different to be noticed." The Nuclear Option is 9.5 inches long overall with 3-D machined Micarta handles and a short clip point. The video shown at the announcement was of the Nuclear Option being shot out of a 120MM gun and penetrating up to the handles into the side of an M1 Abrams tank with no damage to the knife. Ethan was heard to comment, "Becker knives damn well do work for a living." ETS ANNOUNCES THE "SSSK" Doug Ritter announced today that Equipped to Survive (ETS) will be marketing a new "SHOT Show Survival Kit" in time for the 2011 SHOT Show in Las Vegas. Ritter said he saw a need when three attendees to the 2010 SHOT Show were found nearly dead at the Sands Expo Center a week after the conclusion of SHOT Show. "We were worried something like this would happen," said Ritter, "after so many people got lost in the Sands' confusing and illogical labyrinth of aisles coupled with the deplorable lack of signage." Ritter said there were widespread reports of problems early on. "Numerous booth staff never found their booths the first day; injuries from collisions and falls were common as attendees and staff alike were wandering the halls trying to locate booths on their maps rather than watching where they were going," noted Ritter. Ritter explained he personally misplaced himself on the show floor on a number of occasions. One young lady got so lost she claims to have used some Mardi Gras beads to signal for help which, according to Ritter, shows how any item can have survival uses. Ritter also said the much talked about incident of the two ladies found at the Leatherman booth - who turned out to be from the adult entertainment expo held the week before the SHOT Show and who were rather scantily clad in leather g-string and top - may not have been as lost as the Leatherman staff claimed. "I'm not making any judgments," said Ritter, "I just an not convinced that it was exactly a survival situation, despite their claims of using a Leatherman Pocket Survival Tool from the display to survive, but perhaps I misunderstood what pocket tool they were describing." The ETS SSSK will initially include signaling devices such as a whistle (semaphore flags were considered, but no one knows semaphore anymore), an air mattress, a Bic lighter for starting fires, and a large tote bag for carrying fuel for fires. "Product brochures burn well," said Ritter, "but they are heavy and bulky." Other items are an eGear Doug Ritter PICO lite LED flashlight, ten 500-ft spools of high-visibility twine to mark your way and for making traps, and $200 in cash. Ritter explained that the $200 will allow one person three bottled drinks and three bags of chips a day at a concession stand for 7 days, or two conventions. An inflatable pool toy will provide protection from being drowned if it rains (roof leaks nearly had some at the show wishing they had a life raft). A special high visibility green and orange striped "Help Me, I'm Lost!" badge is also included - in seven languages and in Braille - allowing a person to insert it in their badge lanyard and alert others to their situation. The SSSK, with an MSRP of $450, will be available to ship to customers in time for 2011 SHOT Show being held once again at the Sands. DEVICE FREE FIRST AID KITS With the new 2.3% excise tax on all medical devices in President Obama's new health care law, the Misadventure Medical Kit Company will be releasing non-medical-device- included versions of their most popular first aid kits for those looking to control their medical and health care costs. "These first aid kits contain no medical device components," said an MMK spokesman, "we eliminated all the medical devices like the thermometer, bandage scissors, tick tweezers, etc." These kits will not be subject to the 2.3% medical device excise tax. The new kits will be available starting in June. A Tea Party membership application will be included in every kit. ABERCROMBIE & FITCH RESPONDS TO GLOBAL WARMING Clothier Abercrombie & Fitch, who showed off their deep concern about global warming in recent years by eliminating shirts on all their male models, has announced a breakthrough product to deal with the recent falling temperatures brought on by anthropogenic global warming. The Personal Anthropogenic Regulating Knitted Assembly, or PARKA, will be in stores by Fall 2010. The PARKA will cover the entire upper portion of the body, from the neck to below the hips, in several layers of insulating material below a water resistant shell. A hood to cover the head is attached, but removable. This unique novel concept in outerwear will retain heat, which will allow customers to survive without harm during those times that global warming makes temperatures fall. A&F spokeswoman Avery Newgan said, "we knew we had to do something after one of our models suffered frostbite in New York this February." A&F indicated they were surprised at the need for such a garment, given the assurances by world climate experts and Al Gore that the world was getting dramatically hotter because of human activity. "We don't understand hockey," said Newgan, "but we thought we knew about hockey sticks. We may have to rethink our bikini sale in Fairbanks this December." The PARKA will be sold for $499, and will be available in 12 condescending colors. _______________________________________ ETS Survival News is copyrighted and may not be reproduced without permission. Permission is granted to share this newsletter in its entirety with friends and associates via email or it can be found on the Web at . ETS Survival News is published irregularly when we damn well feel like it, most often on March 32nd. We welcome submittal of news items, but reserve the right to disregard most anything we don't feel like publishing. Letters to the editor are generally ignored unless they are complimentary. Contributing to this issue were Clifford Grout, Erik Bernstein, Steve White and Doug Ritter. Edited by Doug Ritter. Now you know who to blame. We hope you have enjoyed this attempt at some April Fools humor. If we have inadvertently offended anyone, well, you really need to get a life. "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." - Mark Twain If you enjoyed this newsletter, prior issues of ETS Survival News can be found at . _______________________________________ Copyright (c) 2010 Equipped To Survive Foundation All rights reserved - www.equipped.org